


I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted (but I’m singing like a bird to you now)

by yousetmyheartonfire



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Canon Divergent, Everybody Lives, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Repression, clean except for cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yousetmyheartonfire/pseuds/yousetmyheartonfire
Summary: An incident at Welton causes Neil to leave the school, only to reunite with Todd after becoming a doctor.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 17
Kudos: 126





	I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted (but I’m singing like a bird to you now)

Spring came, thawing the winter snow and their anxieties. There was something sort of unspoken between Neil and Todd after the play, but nothing in particular had happened. They kept arriving at the brink of something happening, then backing off at the last moment, afraid of going too far. That night on Todd’s birthday, the night after the play, or anytime some sweeping emotion overtook them there was always a moment of hesitation. Spring felt something like rebirth though. It was like they’d been hibernating all winter and it was finally time to wake up. 

They sat in the grass down in the schoolyard just as the sun was rising. See clung to the grass and their jackets, but it was worth it to see the sky change colors. It was a spur of the moment thing, Neil waking up far too early and dragging Todd along with him. They smiled at each other and there just must’ve been something in the air. 

Neil leaned over as if it was second nature and kissed him short and sweet. Before Todd could say anything, they heard a gasp and it was all over. 

It sort of felt like destiny that things could never work out for them. They weren’t religious, but the inevitability felt too real to be coincidence. They sat in the office and Neil rushed to take the blame. Todd was too surprised to speak up, and Neil’s excuses fit just too well. It was blamed on the theatre, of course. Neil bit back an argument at that and saved Todd from any responsibility. Of course, it was after Neil left that it would occur to Todd he probably thought he was telling the truth. Todd just hadn’t got the chance to admit he felt the same way. He felt a sort of deja-vu at the sudden swell of regret. 

Neil was off to military school, leaving Todd’s head spinning. Something about it just seemed off and yet oddly familiar.

* * *

  
He’d gone to college and done the whole career thing. There was still a lingering disillusionment he felt whenever he thought for too long. Things were alright, he supposed.

His brother had gotten in some sort of accident. It was nothing serious, but he was in the hospital and it made Todd introspective. He didn’t have much of a relationship with Jeffrey. Would he regret that in the end? Without thinking, he drove the two hours to go visit. 

He wasn’t expecting it to turn out this way. He had to look again, then once more before it really clicked that he was looking at Neil. He wore a white coat and Todd couldn’t believe he’d become a doctor. He hid behind the fake plant in the waiting room, probably looking like an idiot. He wasn’t prepared for that conversation, he hadn’t even anticipated it ever happening. Well, he’d imagined meeting again, of course, but it never seemed realistic. He slouched behind last months magazine, more nervous than he’d ever been. He felt oddly in place, nervously sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. Maybe the anxious energy of the entire place was just getting to him. For a moment he contemplated leaving the building and being done with it, but he’d long abandoned the uncertainty and cowardice of his youth. He couldn’t throw away everything he’d worked for just yet. 

Neil looked down at his clipboard and frowned. Jeffrey Anderson sounded so familiar. Granted, it was a common name, but there was something about the last name that jolted him and set him on edge.

He’d checked on the patient and he was perfectly fine save for a broken leg. They’d keep him for the night then ship him off in the morning. He didn’t look particularly familiar, though there was something about his sandy hair that reminded Neil of something else. 

He was just walking out when Jeffrey spoke up. “Did my brother come visit by any chance?”

Neil looked back. “What’s his name?”

“Todd,” Jeffrey smiled and Neil tried to hide his sudden shock. 

“I’ll check,” he smiled anxiously before retreating from the room. Surely it wasn’t _his_ Todd. 

He peeked into the waiting room and saw a few people scattered about. Nobody stuck out to him. He turned back and ran into somebody walking out of the restroom. 

“Sorry!” They apologized at the same time. 

Neil dusted his jacket off and looked up. His breath hitched. 

“Todd?”

He’d gone to the bathroom to look himself in the mirror and admit he was being an idiot. When he walked out his newfound bravado was immediately squashed when he ran into a doctor. Of course, it couldn’t be just any doctor as fate would have it. He heard his name and looked up, shocked. 

“Neil?” 

Neil scratched the back of his head nervously. He felt like an idiot standing there, not quite able to talk. 

“My um, my...” Todd gestured vaguely. 

“Your brother, right,” Neil finished awkwardly. “Uh, first door on the right.”

“Thank you.” Todd scanned his face, not moving yet. They lingered in the tight hallway, idling between each other. 

“How, um, how have you been?” Neil asked lamely. 

Todd inhaled. “Good, good. I see you’re a doctor now.” It came out as a question. Astute observation, he cringed. 

“Oh yeah, kind of happened.”

“I should see Jeffrey...” Todd thought aloud. Neil nodded silently and Todd turned to walk away. They found themselves on the precipice once again, just like their old Welton days. Todd didn’t want to waste what could be his last chance. “We should catch up. After this. I... if you wanted to.” He didn’t quite land the execution perfectly, but there was no time for shame. 

“I’d like that,” Neil hesitated. “I get off at six?”

Todd realized how anxious they both were and it was almost comforting. He relaxed slightly. “Alright, I’ll see you then.”

“See you,” Neil repeated dumbly. 

Todd waltzed into the hospital room with a renewed sense of purpose. 

Neil shrugged off his spotless white jacket and sighed. After everything, he’d shipped off to military school and became a doctor. Yet his parents still weren’t happy! They’d barely smiled when he graduated medical school and now they bothered him about finding a nice girl to settle down with. It was tiring knowing he would never make them happy. Now Todd was showing up at his work, almost like a sign. He shook his head, throwing his regular jacket on. Todd had shown up and all his high school emotions came flooding back in. He needed to calm down. His emotions are what got him into this mess anyways. He didn’t know if he regretted kissing Todd. It has seemed like the right thing to do and he had certainly wanted to, but nothing good had come out of it. Hell, Todd didn’t even think of him in that way. God knows why he wanted to talk! Maybe he needed an explanation after all these years. Neil didn’t know if he was ready to give one. 

He walked back out to see Todd reading through one of the terrible tabloids left in the waiting room. Neil smiled, watching his face twist with intrigue at the “solved” cold case from the cover. 

“Ready?” Neil asked, stepping toward him. Todd looked up, almost embarrassed. 

“Yeah, lead the way.”

It then occurred to Neil that he didn’t know where to go. He couldn’t just take him to his apartment, that seemed too personal. The only thing open was the bar on the corner, so he supposed that would have to do. He just wouldn’t drink too much, god knows what he’d end up saying. 

He walked through the doors, Todd just a step behind. “So, do you live around here?” 

Todd hesitated. “Not exactly, I’m about an hour away.” 

“Oh that’s not bad. Here we are.” He stopped in front of the building, waiting for Todd to give the okay. 

“A bar?” 

“Is that okay?” He hoped his nerves weren’t showing. He knew they were. 

“Oh yeah it’s fine, let’s go.” 

They took a seat away from the Friday night crowd, hoping to get the chance to actually talk. Neither of them particularly knew how to start, so they nursed weak drinks while waiting for the other to speak up. 

Todd was the one to break the ice. “So... you like being a doctor?” Todd pressed. 

Neil looked off at the wall. “It’s not so bad...”

“What about acting?” 

Neil’s eyes snapped back to him. “That’s over.” 

Todd would’ve prodded further, but he sensed it was a sore subject. 

“What did you end up doing?” Neil changed the subject. 

“I teach English. I was student-teaching for Keating actually. Until...” Todd paused, then shook his head. “I just like hearing from the kids, sometimes all they need is for someone to listen.”

Neil smiled softly, the unspoken tension melting a little. “Captain would be proud of you.” 

“You didn’t go to his funeral.” It was a statement, not very accusatory. 

Neil sighed. “I found out afterwards. I didn’t exactly stay in touch with anyone after... everything.”

Todd returned the grim expression. “Why did you, um, what did happen.”

Neil cringed. “It’s— I don’t know.”

“We never talked about it.”

Neil could’ve died. “It’s too painful, Todd.”

Todd took the leap and reached out for Neil’s hand. The other startled at the contact, but relaxed into it. “You took all the responsibility.”

Neil glanced around nervously. “Of course I did, I was the one who... who did it.” There were too many people here, he was terrified of someone assuming something. God forbid a coworker see them. 

“I know, I just,” Todd struggled a moment. “Why?”

Neil sighed. “You know how I felt about you back then.”

Todd blinked. “You mean you—“ He paused, took a quick shot of his drink, and looked back at Neil. “Did you have feelings for me?”

“Of course,” Neil answered, wondering why this was news. 

“There’s too many people here,” Todd realized. 

Neil didn’t know what he wanted. “Are you heading back tonight?” 

He looked Neil over. “I don’t know,” He faltered.

“We could... go somewhere else if that’s what you want.”

Todd nodded once, then twice. They paid the bill and walked down the street a little aimlessly. Neil didn’t notice he was subconsciously walking home. 

“Where should we go?” He stopped abruptly. 

Todd stopped a pace ahead of him. “I don’t know.” 

Neil hesitated, swaying slightly. Eventually he just bit the bullet. “We could go to my place.”

Todd’s eyes flashed a moment, then he nodded. 

He rested his head against the wall as Neil fumbled with the keys to his apartment. It briefly registered in his mind that he wanted to kiss him before the door opened and he was greeted with Neil’s barren apartment. There were no pictures or anything really. He felt sad, _morose_, upon seeing it. Neil stood by the door nervously. Todd still wanted to kiss him. 

They sat on his stiff couch, a polite distance apart. Todd wondered if it was stiff because nobody sat on it, like Neil wasn’t one to have company over. Something tugged at his heart. Neil was absent-mindedly picking at the arm of the couch, pointedly not looking his way. It was awkward and neither knew what to say. The silence felt fatal, as though whatever sense of companionship they’d felt for a fleeting moment was gone to be replaced with the terrible realization that they were adults. Neil glanced over at him through a piece of hair that had fallen on his face and he looked young, almost like he had at Welton. Todd brushed it out of his face without thinking and Neil almost flinched at the contact. 

“Why didn’t you call, or write?” Todd asked gently. 

Neil looked away again. “I told you, it was too painful.”

Todd sighed. “It was for me too, but I would’ve tried to contact you if I knew where you went.” 

“You don’t wanna know,” Neil broke, his voice betraying something short of pain. The passion wasn’t there for it to be emotional, just sort of sad. 

Todd moved his hand to Neil’s shoulder, wanting to keep some sort of contact. “I mean, thank you for covering for me.” 

“Covering?” Neil asked, still looking just beyond Todd’s shoulder as if eye-contact was too much. His eyebrows were knit together and his face spelled out pain, pain, pain. 

“I could’ve gotten in trouble too, but you took the fall.” 

“It was mine to take.” Neil looked down, introspective. 

Todd, frustrated, tilted his chin up. “Thank you.” 

Neil flushed. “Yeah...” 

Todd pulled his hand back, suddenly self-conscious. “But god, you didn’t even call Nwuanda?”

Neil smiled at the name. “No, how’d things turn out?” 

Todd looked at the ceiling. “You know Cameron said something when you left?”

Neil’s heart sank. “Yeah?” 

A slow, hesitant smile crept onto Todd’s face. “And I punched him for it.” 

Neil laughed and it felt liberating. Todd’s heart ached to pull him in for a hug and never let go. He sensed so much pain and yet none of it was tangible. 

Neil noticed him looking at him and grew anxious. He grasped for something to say. “You’ve changed, you know.”

“Yeah?” Todd asked, tilting his head. 

Neil finally looked at him. “In a good way.”

“Do you still...” he hesitated. 

Neil held his breath. “What?”

Todd looked at him and it held such meaning Neil almost leaned back. “Do you still have feelings for me?” 

Neil blinked. “Do I still...” His eyes widened. “Jesus, hell. Do I...”

Todd put a hand on his knee. Neil looked down at the contact, then back to study Todd’s face. There was a sort of anticipation, but in the best way. Todd’s hand on his knee felt far too intimate for old friends. Neil made the split-second decision to place his hand on Todd’s face. They both let out a deep breath, Neil looking at Todd’s lips. Then his father’s voice popped into his head, demanding he go to medical school, calling him all sorts of names after the incident. His mother’s voice chimed in, asking when he’s ever going to settle down with some nice girl. But when he looked at Todd, he only remembered all those nights he regretted not telling him how he felt. This wasn’t high school anymore, though. Hell, even high school hadn’t worked out. His eyes flitted around Todd’s features and he just couldn’t make a decision.

He didn’t have to though, as Todd kissed him, taking him out of his thoughts. He kissed back, of course, almost instinctually. For a moment, it was perfect. He felt like he’d waited years for this, and maybe he had. His heart fluttered at the thought that they were kissing on his couch late in the evening. It didn’t even feel real. Neil broke away, breathing hard. 

“We really shouldn’t,” he said. A knot was forming in his stomach as he realized this was something he just couldn’t have. 

“Why not?” Todd asked, staying close. 

Neil had a pained expression now.

“You aren’t, we don’t—“ He looked almost panicked. He glanced around as if he was afraid someone would see even though they were alone. Todd noticed and placed a hand on the back of his neck to kiss him again. 

“It’s okay,” Todd soothed. 

Neil swallowed hard. “Is it?” 

“What did happen to you?” 

He leant into Todd’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “It was horrible.” 

“Didn’t think I was that bad,” Todd mumbled jokingly. 

Neil huffed a laugh and looked up at him. “My parents wouldn’t approve.”

“To hell with them,” Todd said, his tone far too gentle. 

Neil could’ve cried. “They said they could fix me, but I guess it didn’t work.”

Todd held his face in his hands and looked deeply into his eyes. “That’s because there was nothing to fix.” 

He sobbed into Todd’s shoulder and Todd held him until he stopped and even for a while after. He buried his nose in Neil’s hair and felt like something had clicked into place. Maybe he hadn’t felt complete since Neil left. Maybe Neil hadn’t either. 

Todd thought Neil fell asleep, but he eventually looked up. 

“I don’t think we’re supposed to get happy endings.” 

Todd ran a hand through his hair. “I think we deserve it.” 

**Author's Note:**

> It’s tender and I’m in my feelings about it lmao


End file.
